Tuesday Top Ten: Hair Metal

Okay, let me first say that this probably sounded better in my head than it will on the page.

You should also know that I absolutely love 80s-early 90s hair metal way more than someone my age probably should. In my defense, it is the music I grew up listening to, the first kind of music I liked that was purely my own and not because my parents liked it. As a matter of fact, my mother HATED it, which made me love it all the more. To me, it was a little bit dangerous. It's also what made me, to this day, love a good bad boy...

Anyway, here goes....

Top Ten Reasons Why I Think Rock Music Definitely Needs a Hair Metal Comeback:

10. Kip Winger probably really, really needs a job. (If for no other reason than to keep him in toothpaste for his big white choppers.)
9. Emo-kids could really use a lesson on hair and makeup from guys that DIDN'T make it look so effeminate.
8. Rock music is really kind of a downer now. It's no fun anymore. It needs more songs about partying, boobs and liquor. Never mind that that might not be a good influence for our kids--when has rock ever been, or supposed to have been? Remember Elvis? The Beatles? The Rolling Stones? There's my point.
7. Kids are already trying to bring back 80s fashion. I see them at the middle school sporting leggings, oversize flourescent t-shirts with large lettering (Think: Wham! and Frankie Say Relax) and Converse low-tops with oversize, mismatched shoestrings. They are wearing the rubber bracelets again. They are primed and ready for this rock revival, and clearly need to "cum on, feel the noize".
6. I'm convinced the hair spray industry needs a boost in this economy.
5. There are hardly any "rock stars" left--guys who give new meaning to the term "sex, drugs and rock and roll". It would be a shame to see this rare breed go completely extinct. Otherwise, who else can our little boys aspire to be? Jason Mraz? John Mayer? Seriously.
4. There is no other use for spiked, metal or otherwise bedazzled codpieces.
3. Because I just can't stand to hear a Motley Crue song on the classic rock station.
2. So I can stop feeling so old and, just maybe, have some fun again.

and the #1 reason that Hair Metal should make a comeback:

ASSLESS CHAPS. Enough said.